It’s been over a month since my last post, and be now I should have written about my birthday gig, my first David and Keith gig, the Buzzards Roost gig, and any number of other happenings, in one blog or maybe two – I haven’t, because I haven’t wanted to.
I wrote on my Facebook page a few days ago that I get depressed, but I do not have depression, or as we call it at my house, “Depression with a capital D versus depression with a lowercase d.” I am firmly in the lowercase camp; my lovely Lady Fair, some family, and more than a few friends are capital D’s and have been for years. Which means all the well-meaning but essentially useless advice ignorant people give to the capitals work just fine on me: getting out of the house and soaking up the sunshine, exercise, journal writing, seeing a funny movie, visiting friends and family, or just flat out deciding to be happy – all effective. I just have to make the choice I’m no longer going to feel bad, then do the proper acts to not feel bad.
(The point of my Facebook post was all those acts and activities that work on me DO NOT work on my lovely wife and our friends and family. Depression with a capital D is biological – the brain’s chemistry is fighting against its own best interests. And while getting some sun, exercising, writing and socializing can help mitigate the triggers leading up to a tumble down the rabbit hole, once the tumble is taken the only things that can help are loads of therapy and an effective drug cocktail, and not necessarily in that order. So the next time you decide your loved one with capital D Depression just needs to get over themselves, feel free to punch yourself in the face repeatedly until you get some education and develop some compassion.)
I made the choice not to do the healthy things; I made the choice to bask in the shadows and indulge the hurt. While my intentions were to finally face that particular pain, in my bad place I said some things to people that were not in keeping with the person I want to be. And since the choice to be in the dark had been mine in the first place, I had no one to blame but myself.
I sent out two apologies today. May not do any good, those bridges may be burned to the ground, but that wasn’t what was important – what was important is that the two friends deserved the apologies, so the apologies got sent. Another hard lesson learned: sunlight may be the best antiseptic, but shining a light on dark place isn’t the same thing.
My new partner, David Fox, and I have our second piano lounge gig tonight, hoping we don’t get rained out (May in Texas, got to love it). Please check out the final song of our first outing as a duet. And remember: it’s far easier to find the light if you stay in the light.